Nathan came down into our room this morning, and like every morning for the past week he asked if he could stay home from school. I responded, by reminding him that he was going to a fun play today.. Then that's when the fear came in. He starting crying, telling me he was scared because the last play was too loud and he had a hard time sitting still. He was afraid that he was going to get in trouble for not being able to sit still. Fear of getting in trouble seems to be an issue that Nathan recently started having. He's pretty sensitive, and can sometimes take it really hard if he's firmly talked to. My heart sank a little for him. As I fought through my grogginess, I started to think rationally. I usually don't pull Nathan from situations, I usually want him to try to figure out how to cope and deal with things. But in actuality, we do not have any sensory equipment yet. He does not have a straight diagnosis yet. Chances are the play would be too much for him. Chances are he wouldn't be able to sit still. Chances are he would be disruptive to the other students. And chances are he would get in trouble. I decided to let him stay home. Usually, I would make him go. But today, I felt my better judgement would be to let him stay home. Until we have a weighted vest or other sensory tools, I don't think Nathan would be able to handle that type of setting all to well. And in all honesty it's probably a help for the teacher and chaperons to not have him go. Even after I told him he could stay home, he kept going on about how he doesn't like how plays are too loud. I just snuggled with him and told him it's ok, because he's not going. It took him a good 15 minutes to relax. I've never seen that in him before. That worry, that anxiety. It broke my heart.
The other night before bed, his prayer request was that he'll sleep well, have good dreams, have a fun day at school, and that he wouldn't be one of the "naughty kids" anymore. He said, "I don't like being naughty mom. I try to be good." I know him, and I know he's trying.. He's trying so hard and he keeps failing. That's how he sees it. He hates failure just like the rest of us. I try to explain that we're getting him some help so his brain will listen to him, it seems to give him some relief when I bring it up. That's how he described it. he tries to tell his brain what to do, but it doesn't listen to him. I used to think it was a cute excuse, but now I think he's telling the truth. Now I'm starting to see him struggle emotionally, and it's painful to watch. I'm trying to stay strong for him. Hide my tears, tell him he's getting help, that he's a wonderful boy with a big, big heart. That he's not naughty, and that I know he's trying. Give him hugs and kisses, and more hugs, and more hugs. And of course, lots of snuggles. One of his love languages is affectionate touch, so it's a blessing that his therapy will require a lot of that. Last night I gave him a big hug before I left and he said "awww Mom, thank you for the hug." He LOVES hugs. I love that he loves hugs, because I love hugging him. He's always been my little cuddle bug. He broke down a little after his hug, so I asked what was wrong. He said that he was talked to firmly a few times today at school and that it's really hard for him to be talked to that way. I gave him another big hug and said a prayer out loud for him. When I was done, he said he felt a lot better. I wish I could take his pain away. I wish I could make this easier for him RIGHT NOW. The school can do nothing for him until he's officially diagnosed. Do I go to his school a couple times a day for hugs, massages, and back scratches until we get a weighted vest or something? I just don't know what I can do to help him when he's at school.
Please be praying that Jesus will protect Nathan's heart and mind. That Nathan won't fear failure, and that lies that he's a "naughty boy" will not stick to him. Please pray against anxiety and worry as well. And that God will give me wisdom as to how I can help Nathan when he's hurting.
Thank you all so much!
Jen
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