Patience, patience, patience.... With a side of grace.

   Over the past couple of nights, our little Annabelle hasn't been sleeping so well.  She has developed another chest cold, and for some reason she has been waking up between 2:45 and 3AM talking for about an hour or more straight!  I admit, hearing her say "a-da-da-da"  is incredibly cute, however, hearing it over and over and over again in the very wee hours of the morning, kind of takes away the cuteness.  As I lay awake feeling frustrated that another nights sleep has been sabotaged, I hear all the little voices in my head that remind me of my never-ending 'to do' list and various responsibilities and needs that need to be taken care of that day.  And all I can feel is defeat.  How am I supposed to keep up with these things when I don't get the luxury of sleeping for more than a couple of hours straight in one night?  But most importantly, how am I going to have the patience and grace for my 3 kids if I am exhausted, and cranky?

  What weighs the heaviest on me during my hours awake with Annabelle, is Nathan's schooling and my relationship with him.  Nathan has severe attention deficit issues, along with sensory and auditory/vestibular complications.  So, what does that mean?  I NEED patience!  Patience, patience, patience, patience, a little bit of caffeine, some grace, and some more patience.  Is it just me, or is patience incredibly hard to come by when you're incredibly sleep deprived and jacked up on caffeine?  Sadly, I cannot just order a monthly supply of patience from the Internet.  Nor can I just put on my 'big girl patience panties' and go along with my day. I wish it were that easy sometimes! 

  Sadly, patience and grace is an area I fail miserably in when I am overly tired.  When exhausted, I become more selfish. I just want things to go my way so I won't have to work too hard at remaining calm while I am utterly exhausted and overwhelmed.  However, getting my way is not going to happen!  My daughters are not going to nap at the same time, and my son is not going to sit still with his hands folded nicely in his lap while I teach him spelling concepts. My kids are not going to clean up after themselves without a billion reminders, nor is my husband going to put away that basket full of folded laundry that has been sitting there for a week. (He will if I ask, but I struggle with "I shouldn't have to ask" syndrome at times)

 Luckily, there's hope!  I do not need to conjure up my own patience and grace for Nathan, or for my overly dramatic 2 1/2-year-old daughter.  Patience and grace, and love for my children and husband can be, and will be freely given to me as long as I ask my Papa in Heaven for it.  God has been so faithful in this area for me.  I do need to ask more often I'll admit, however when I do remember to ask, he always delivers!  No matter how exhausted I am, he truly does have my back.  I do not need to start my day of defeated no matter what cards are stacked up against me.  I can start my day off with the expectation that God is going to meet me where I am at, as long as I allow him to, and he will give me my every need. 

Let's quit our complaining.

   Complaining.  I'm guilty of doing this at least once a day... or every couple of hours.  My bed isn't big enough, or it's too uncomfortable.  My house is too small.  I have too much laundry to do.  I need more sleep.. and the list goes on and on!  However, after all the coverage on Syria my whole prosepective has changed.
   I live in a country where my government helps those who reside here.  I live in a country where we can go to sleep at night and not fear for our safety.  My family never goes hungry, we have clean water that runs directly to our house, and fills my cup at my command.  I can also get hot showers and baths, whenver my children allow me to. We have healthcare, warm beds, and a roof over our heads.  My beautiful children are healthy, and I am blessed to kiss them goodnight tonight.  I don't care if my house is too small and never looks as clean as I'd like it to be!  It's filled with love, and laughter, hugs, and kisses. I may always dislike laundry, but I'd rather be washing my loved ones dirty clothes rather than not having them here anymore.
   As Americans, we have so much at our disposal.  We so easily lose sight of what we have.. What really matters.  We demand more and more and more every day.  And we are incredibly ungrateful!  People need to seriously open their eyes and take a look at what's going on in third world countries, and in countries where the governement doesn't give a damn about you or your family.
   The images from the horrible gassing in Syria have been burned in my brain.  I have to turn away every time it's shown on TV because my heart just can't take it anymore.  I cry for all of those who have suffered, and are still suffering.  I find myself pleading to God to please end this horrible war.  To provide homes for the refugees, to bring peace and protection to those innocent people caught in the middle of this battlle, and for all of the families that have lost their loved ones.
  Please, be intentional about counting your blessings.  You probably have so much more than you thought you did.  And you'll probably find yourself complaining a lot less.
 

When the day came...

March 13, 2013 

 
  March 12th started off like any normal day.  I got Nathan off to school, played with Jovie, and set up a play date with our friends Patsy and Libby.  The only thing that seemed "different" was the fact that I had this internal feeling that I wanted to spend as much time with Jovie that day as I possibly could.  I couldn't explain it, it was just a feeling I had.
  After I dropped Jovie off at Auntie Patsy's, I headed to my 11:00 OB appointment with the intention of hanging out with them after my appointment.  My Dr. told me I was dilated to a 4 and effaced 75%, and he said he was going to "help me along" so to speak, by doing some stretching of my cervix...  Well, sure enough before I could even leave the OB department at Essentia, the contractions started kicking in.  I ignored them, thinking that it was just irritable from the exam.  But I soon began to realize that these contractions were just more than Braxton hicks..  I had to stop at least 3 times before I could get to my van to breath through the contractions.  I got to Patsy's house, and she had to drive Jovie and myself home as the contractions were really painful and disrupting to my driving.
  Dan and I dropped Jovie off with the Stromgrens, set up for my parents to take Nate after school, and off we went to the birthplace.  However, as soon as I got hooked up to those darn monitors, the contractions stopped!!  2 hours of painful contractions, and they just STOP!?  At this point I was pretty frustrated because of all the start/stop labor I dealt with with this pregnancy.  Dan and I walked the floor in hopes that the contractions would kick back in... But they only did while I was walking.  As soon as I stopped, so did the contractions.  My friend Holly came to the hospital and took over for Dan.  We walked the floor, then snuck off to climb the stairs. (I think my nurse got upset with me)  We climbed a lot of stairs considering I was 38 weeks pregnant!  But, the contractions decided to fizzle out.  I only dilated .5 cm so I was only at a 4.5 and I needed to get to a 5 for them to break my water.  Well, it didn't happen.  I literally sobbed out of frustration.  I began to wonder if I knew anything at all about my body anymore.  Were these "contractions" all in my head?  And of course, as soon as I was discharged, the contractions started up all over again.  This time, I ignored them to the best of my ability.  Dan and I went to Burrito Union, where I wolfed down a two fisted chicken burrito (I was so hungry!)  and we picked up Jovie.  Although I was still having the contractions, I just didn't believe that I could possibly be in labor.
  I went to bed around 11pm still feeling the contractions, but since they were only lasting 45 seconds, I didn't think they were "real."  By 2:30 AM I decided I needed to actually start tracking my contractions as they were waking me up and pretty painful.  Did I wake up Dan to tell him to call into work?  Nope! Because I still didn't believe that I was in labor!  By the time he woke up for work it was 4 am and my contractions were every 9 minutes.  Since the paper from the hospital said to wait until they're every 5 minutes for an hour before coming in, and I didn't want any more false alarms, I told Dan just to stay by his phone and sent him off to work.  45 minutes later, I sent him a text to come home because I didn't want to be alone anymore.  The contractions were really getting painful and it was just me and Jovie at home. (Nathan stayed with Grandma and Papa)  20 minutes later, they were every 2 1/2 minutes apart.  I couldn't help but cry through them.  I called Dan again, thinking he'd be home by now.. When he didn't get home at 5:30 I could barely move through my contractions.  Luckily, Jovie woke up happy and I was able to get her and myself ready.  We rushed out the door and decided that it would be best to skip dropping Jovie off and to go straight to the hospital.
  I walked (barely) into the ER at 5:45 AM.. They immediately put me in a wheel chair and brought me upstairs... The Dr. was waiting at the elevator for me (I called ahead) and the nurse and resident were waiting outside the room they had ready for me.  Apparently they knew I was going to go fast.. Which at this point, I was still hoping for the epidural!  They checked me before putting any monitors on me and I was at a 6 and almost fully effaced. I thought to myself,  A SIX!?  That's it!!??  All of those contractions only dilated me 1.5 cm?! What the heck!? So I thought for sure I'd get my lovely epidural.  Yay!! WRONG!!  My contractions were right on top of one another... The nurse knew right away that there was no way that was going to happen.
  Dan came up to the room with Jovie and announced "look who I found!"  And in walked Dr. Pete Olsen.  I was relieved to have someone there who I somewhat knew, and who I knew I could trust.  He was there when Jovie was born and we planned to have him deliver her... But she came out way too fast.  At least he did get to witness her birth and be there for support afterwards. I was happy that he would be able to deliver Annabelle. (It was actually an answer to prayer)

She found her thumb right away!

Anyway, Pete and the OB talked and they said to me, Jen, if we break your water, this will be over a lot sooner.  You're probably not going to have time for the epidural.. I knew they were right, but I was scared to death.  I looked Pete right in the face and said, Pete, I'm scared.  And boy, was I scared!  I knew as soon as that water broke, my pain would sky rocket.  I didn't think I could handle it.  Pete told me, he knew I could do it.... I again mentioned how scared I was.  But agreed that it was the best rout to take.  Pete and Dan both prayed for me before another contraction could hit..  And boy did it HIT me!  Felt like my back was going to snap in half.. literally!  I screamed bloody murder!! Then I apologized for screaming.. Again, thinking I was weak and couldn't handle the pain.. Dan grabbed Jovie and went to the family area, and Pete flew back into the room.. They checked and sure enough I dilated 2 cm's from that 1 contraction.  Before I could even shake that one off, the next hit, then the next.. As soon as I felt that I could push, I started pushing.  I didn't even wait for a command other than when they told me they needed me to stop for a second..  I gave 1 big push when I felt her crowning, and out she came!  9 minutes after they broke my water, Annabelle was in my arms. She was born at 6:28 AM.. My body was shaking from the shock.  I couldn't even give her my full attention because there was so much going on.  Here I wanted to look at this baby and love on her, but all I could do was catch my breath and reconnect myself to reality.  It wasn't like my other births where I could mostly focus afterwards.  My head was spinning and my body was trembling.  I was in so much pain and there was so much talking going on that I just couldn't focus.  It made connecting with her difficult at first.  It wasn't until I had some alone time with her that afternoon that I could really connect with her.  For the first 30 minutes after her birth I couldn't move from the position I was in when I birthed her, I was so sore.  It wasn't until the meds kicked in that I was able to finally get in a comfortable position.  But even after that, I was still so uncomfortable..  (see photo below.. My face says it all!)  Jovie was adorable with her bed head and happy smile!

Don't mind the nursing!  

Through this amazing, yet terrifying experience, God transformed so much in me.  I can't believe how much healing I received during this pregnancy and delivery.  From the very beginning, God provided... He answered prayers, and he changed how I view myself as a person..  I promise to blog about that tomorrow.  But for now, it's off to bed!  Goodnight!

Big brother Nate!

Jovie is a big sister!

   

My decision to homeschool.

   After a lot of thoughtful prayer, research, talking with Nathan's teacher and some other parents and teachers, I have decided that I will homeschool Nathan next year.  His sensory needs are high in the classroom, and without a Para, or a teachers helper, it's hard to get a normal, structured sensory diet in his day.  Without the sensory diet, Nathan struggles to maintain control of his body, his concentration, and his actions.  He's getting overwhelmed at lunch time and recess, and is having a hard time staying focused on eating, and controlling his fight or flight response on the playground.  He's also not testing well on things the teacher knows he knows.  He loses focus easily, and rushes through tasks.  He's incredibly smart, but he struggles with things beyond his control in the classroom.  So, for the next couple of years, he'll be taught here at home.  We cannot afford to send him to a smaller school, and even if we could, he doesn't qualify for help, so it feels like an uphill battle regardless.  I am actually feeling very excited about homeschooling him, even though I feel incredibly sad about him not returning to Raleigh Edison next year.  I sincerely LOVE that school and the staff there!  God really had to soften my heart to the idea of homeschooling.  I felt like it has been on my mind since last spring, but at that time I wasn't even willing to think about it because there was no way I would want to do that.  It took some changing of my perspective to warm me up to it.  I had to stop thinking about what was best for me, and start thinking about what is best for Nathan.  Once I put it into that perspective, my decision was pretty much made.  However I still gnawed on it for a month or so before I really finalized it.  Although I want to do what is best for him, I don't want to pull him out of every struggle he has either.  Since schooling is so important, and once you're behind, it's nearly impossible to catch up, I decided that this wasn't an act to pull him out of a tough situation, this was truly doing what is best in our situation.  I researched online about what the best schooling situation is for children with Nathan's type of SID, and what the majority of the forums, blogs, research papers, and parents said that homeschooling was.  At least until they get over the hump of not being able to control it themselves.  The next in line was a small classroom setting such as private school.  At one point I just had to set aside all opinions and research, and just trust in myself that I know my child. Regardless of what everyone else said, I had to trust my heart.  So I am. 
   There are people wondering what about his social activity and developement? Well, not that I have to answer this for those wondering, but I will.  Nathan went to daycare for the first 2 1/2 year of his life, he started preschool at 3 and is now in first grade, we go to a large church every weekend as well, and have many friends who have kids his age.  Socially, Nathan will be just fine.  He already has a good foundation, and I am aware of the fact that he's an extrovert, so we will get out and meet up with other children on a regular basis.  I won't be keeping him locked in the house all day, schooling is only 1-2 hours, so we'll have plenty of time for play and interaction with others.  We are a social bunch here at the Bergh residence, so I really don't see Nathan developing any other social issues.  I have answered this question because it's the one that constantly comes up, and quite honestly, I'm tired of hearing it.  No offense to those who have asked.... One person can only answer the same question so many times before getting fed up with it. :)
  Well, that's my story for the morning.  I'm hoping to get back into blogging on a regular basis, but that requires me to do it in the early morning.. and a lot of the time, I'm just too tired and lazy in the to think AND type.  
  Good day! 

A long awaited update.

  Fall is in full force and I am loving it! There's just something about the crisp air, beautiful colors, and the anticipation of the soon arriving holidays that give me an extra does of excitement!  I love summer and all, but by the time this one was over,  I had no problem moving on to the cooler seasons.  The lack of shade in our yard kept us indoors most afternoons, and after awhile it just felt like we were trapped in the air conditioned house.  Sure, we'd get out and go other places every once and awhile, but the humidity and high temps burned me out quickly.  I just don't handle the heat like I used to.  Makes me rather sad when I think about it.  
  Anyway, Nathan is doing very well in school this year.  He's one smart cookie that's for sure!  His teacher Ms. Erickson is a huge blessing!  Her and I, as well as some other staff members at school, have been working together to figure out ways to help Nathan's sensory needs while in class.  He gets little breaks here and there, and she is diligent at using his tools to help him.  I get updates about every other week and she is constantly reassuring me that he is a great kid and he's doing really well.  I had my concerns before school started, but it seems like a lot has changed for him over the summer.  His OT Kate said he has developed a lot through his therapies and he has been officially discharged from occupational therapy!  He'll have a check up in about 4 months or so for a re-evaluatioin, but he's doing amazing.  It can still be taxing at times because of his high energy and sensory seeking behaviors, but I've learned to accept them.  When I see he's really wiggly and can't seem to focus, I can help him now.  It's so much easier to help than to wonder what the heck is going on with this kid!? I still sometimes feel insecure about having a child that is "different" but in all honesty, he's still the boy that God made and I'm not going to let that distract me from who he truly is.  He's a child with a huge, loving heart that has compassion that most adults SHOULD have.  He's funny and smart, and he has an amazing imagination.  Not to mention, that boy has FAITH.  I can already see some of the spiritual gifts he has been given and I know that no matter what he's "diagnosed" with, nothing will ever take that away.  It's a part of who God made him.  
  Over the summer Nathan played soccer for the first time.  He did an ok job considering the circumstances.  He had a hard time staying focused and goofed around a lot.  Then again, a lot of the kids his age on the team did.  It was the 7 year olds that really held the team together and did most of the work.  So maybe next year will be a bit different for him.  It was cute to see him help other kids up when they fell or got hurt.  He was always concerned about all the kids playing.  During their first game a kid from the other team fell, and Nathan stopped, ran over to him and helped him up.  Another time a girl on the opposing team got really hurt and while she was laying there all the other kids ran off of the field and Nathan sat right next to hurt asking her if she was ok and petted her head until the coach came on the field. He didn't leave until he was asked to.  What a sweetheart.  
  Jovie is getting big and it seems like she's catching on to something new every day.  Just like Nathan, she's very advanced in her speech and comprehension, actually she's a bit more advanced than he was.  (Lord help me!)  I have been blessed with incredibly smart children.  It just amazes me!  She's not even two and the stuff that comes out of her mouth just floors me at times!  Not just the fact that she knows what she's talking about, but the fact that she says it so clearly.  She also likes to clean up.  If she gets a dribble of milk on the floor I can guarantee you she's going to run to the drawer with the napkins and wipe it up.  She also HAS to throw away her own diapers.  It's strange, but true. She has such a joyful disposition too.  It's so contagious, it's hard not to be happy when she's around! She really fits the meaning of her name "little joyful one" or "bringer of joy."  Trust me, that girl can get pissed off at times, but for the most part she's so happy.  She smiles with her whole body it seems.  I can also see some of her gifts as well.  She loves music!  Nathan did too at her age, but got overwhelmed by the noise.  Jovie can take it no matter how loud it is.  One day we had her with us during worship at church and when the song was over she yelled "yaaaay!"  And started clapping.  Even the worship leader heard her and we were way in the back.  She'll randomly sing her own songs while we're in the car.  Some is gibberish but a few words are very clear. One day it was about Mommy and Daddy, another time she was singing about Jesus, and another time going to Grandma and Papa's house to see uncle Jeremy.  It's so darn cute! 
  I sometimes get overwhelmed by the fact that we're having a 3rd in March.  I often wonder, will I have enough to give all 3?  Will I still be a good mom?  Can I really handle this?  Well, God wouldn't have given us this child if I couldn't.  With help from him, I'll get through it.  I'm not a perfect mom, but I now fully believe that I have enough love to go around. 
  I do have some prayer requests for those who pray.  I've been struggling with headaches for almost 10 weeks now,  please be praying that these headaches will stop.  They consistently start in the same place and they can last for days at a time.  I'm starting to get concerned about them.  I honestly have them more than I do not have them.  Also be praying that Dan and I will continue to learn how to co-parent effectively.  And to accept the fact that we're different, so we're going to parent differently.  
 Thank you so much! 
Blessings! 

Crossing the Monkey Bars.

  It has been awhile since I splattered my thoughts and feelings on here.  I've been reading The Out of Sync Child and learning so much about SPD!  I've been beginning to notice more of Nathan's "triggers" and recognizing when he needs some help.  I've also noticed that some of the things that have bothered me my whole life are due to sensory issues.  It all makes so much sense now, but I'm not going to get into that!  At least not right now. 
  Because I've been a little more stressed than usual lately, I've been finding myself getting overwhelmed rather easily.  Today for instance, we went to lunch at Duluth Grill with some friends.  I was really tired, not really feeling that great and it was packed in there.  There was way too much going on at once and it was hard to focus on what was going on.  Well, I could tell immediately this was overwhelming Nathan as well.  He was pulling his shirt over his knees and constantly touching me.  He was in my space the whole time we were there.  Snuggling with me, tapping my arm, talking excessively, wanting me to read to him.. etc.  I had him hug his knees to his chest, and rock front to back and side to side for a bit, but that didn't seem to help.  I tried to help him breath slower because he was practically panting, but that didn't help either.  He just needed to be snuggled.  Since I was out of sorts I could barely handle him touching me.  It took EVERYTHING in me not to snap!  I finally had to tell him that I needed some space, but that only lasted a few seconds before he was touching my arm again.  I wanted to snap a fork in half because I was so agitated!  Luckily I didn't snap at him and we survived lunch!  If I was feeling that crazy due to being overwhelmed, I couldn't imagine how he must have been feeling! 
  When we got home, I did some sensory therapy with him which seemed to help him calm down.   By this point I was so tired and overwhelmed that I felt like I was going to puke all over the place.  I took a 2 1/2 hour nap and woke up feeling like poo.  However, after some time in prayer and forcing myself to keep things simple and slow for the rest of the day, I felt better.  We went outside with the kids, and as part of Nathan's therapy I've been having him cross the monkey bars. Before today, he'd never do it without me holding onto him.  He has a weaker upper body so it's really difficult for him to cross them.  However, after a few tries of me barely holding onto him, he hopped up there and crossed them all by himself 2 times in a row! And then that's all he wanted to do!  He probably crossed them 10 more times throughout the evening.  I was so happy for him!  He had this sense of achievement about him.  He said, the kids in school are going to be so surprised when they see him crossing the monkey bars at recess!  I never thought that anything as simple as crossing the monkey bars would bring hope to my heart.  It showed me that he's getting stronger, and it gave him some real confidence.  Such a huge change from yesterday! He also asked me to do the "squeezes" to his arms tonight and give him a hug.  He must have knew he needed it in order to sit down at the dinner table and finish his meal. In the past, he would have gotten up a ton of times just to move around.  
   Speaking of yesterday, when I went to pick up Nathan at school for his OT appointment, I could tell immediately just by looking at him that he was having a rough day.  The neck of his shirt was saturated from him chewing on it and he had it all balled up in the middle from squeezing it. When he was close enough for me to see his face he looked flat out miserable.  Normally, he's excited when I pick him up, but this time he was just quiet.  I pulled him for the rest of the day, which I probably shouldn't have, but my heart was broken and I wasn't thinking clearly.  I had a feeling when he woke up that morning from a bad dream that he was going to have a rough day.  After he ate his lunch and went to OT he was a lot better.  He seemed like a totally different kid!  He could have went back to school, and even wanted to.  But I wanted him to try to get some sleep.  Which, he didn't. 
  While at his appointment, Kate told me about some tools we could get Nate.  Unfortunately, they're not exactly cheap, and insurance doesn't cover them.  Getting him some chewy's for him to chew on in school and other times he needs to focus would help immensely.  It's $80 for 12 of them!  Or $6 for just one.  And I could probably guarantee that he'll lose it the first day he brings it to school.  A weighted vest is anywhere from $40-$300, and luckily we don't have to buy a weighted blanket because a friend of ours is blessing us by making him one.  We just need to get the material which is soooo much cheaper!   It's hard not to get discouraged when I see all the expenses.  It's also frustrating that I can't just go somewhere close and buy them.  They need to be purchased online or from a catalog.  
Our OT is great with Nathan and gives us great activities to do with him to help, but when it comes to asking her what can be done to help him in school, or about things to purchase, the answers just seem vague.  I'm so new to this, that I need things explained more.  But time is so crunched when we go there, it's hard to ask the questions I need to ask when she needs to focus on Nathan.   
  I did get him some Omega 3 + Vitamin D vitamins.  It will help with his brain function.  I'm also trying my best to cut out artificial dyes, and sweeteners from his diet.  I cannot believe how many foods have artificial dye in them! It's definitely making grocery shopping take forever!  But I'll soon learn what not to buy.  
  Man, what a long post.  I'm off to bed! 
Goodnight everyone! 

One hurdle at a time.

 Well, yesterday was a bit of an emotional day for this Mama.  I found out that Nathan will need more at home therapy than I expected, and I felt very discouraged about it.  It turns out that due to his inability to locate his body in space at times, he has underdeveloped muscles in his trunk to shoulders area.  So basically, the upper half of his body is pretty weak compared to kids Nathan's age.  This weakness even causes him to breath heavier than he should at times.  So, there's therapy to help him breath properly, therapy to help his muscles develop, and therapy to help him locate his body in space.  This will require us swinging him in a hammock (which thank GOD we have one!) from side to side and front to back.  This will help his vestibular system to basically center itself.  Also, because of this vestibular issue, Nathan is unable to locate where sound is coming from.  So, for all those times people have shouted to him across the room, or the yard, or where ever, and he didn't respond, he wasn't ignoring you.. He literally could not process where the sound was coming from, therefore he didn't turn towards it, or hear it for that matter.  Kate, our OT, said that the only way Nathan really responded to her was when she stood directly in front of him.   So, because of this, Nathan will need audio therapy twice a day for 30 minutes at a time every day.  Right away my mind was filled with discouraging doubt.  How am I going to get Nathan to want to do this twice a day, every day for the next 8 weeks for 30 minutes a pop!? On top of that,  when I dropped Nathan off at school, his teacher informed me that since SPD is not considered a "medical" issue, the OT at school is not funded to help kids that only suffer with SPD.  So basically, the school cannot provide OT for Nathan.  The only way he'll get it is if we supply the supplies they would need.  I'm ok with giving the supplies.. What got to me was the fact that the schools don't consider SPD a medical issue.  His nervous system is all jacked up!  How is that NOT medical?  My child can not process things the way a "normal" child can.. How is that not medical?  It doesn't make sense to me.  Don't get me wrong, his teacher is incredibly helpful and she still has regular conversations with the OT to see how she can help Nathan... I was just pissed off at the system.  I don't think people realize how difficult these kids with SPD have it.  People need to be more aware of this!  These children need help and support.  Without it, they face horrible self esteem issues, they may lack friends, and be filled with confusion and anxiety.  These children are often set up for failure as well.  They cannot complete some normal every day tasks that someone without SPD can.  For instance, if Nathan is sent into his room to pick up all of his dirty socks, he may miss the ones that are right in the open.  Not because he wasn't looking, but because his system gets overwhelmed by how many other things are in the room.  I just thought he was being lazy, but he literally couldn't see them.  Imagine sitting in a room full of things and not understanding why your mind can't seem to focus on just one simple thing... Nathan explains it by saying "his brain feels dizzy."
It frustrates me how overlooked this disorder is.  These kids have a chance to have the confidence and abilities of a "normal" child.  But without help, chances are they won't get it. 
  On a lighter note, Nathan and I had a talk over our lego building time last night.  I asked him how OT was going.. He likes to call it "central therapy"  and he LOVES Kate!  I don't know how he came up with central therapy.. but I think it's cute.  He said it's really helping him and he likes it a lot so far.  I asked him in what ways he thought it was helping.  He said, "you know, it helps me make my brain stop. I stop wiggling so much,  and I can pay attention more in school.  And I'm not naughty."  He said he wishes that Kate could move in with him so he could have "central therapy" all the time.  It's cute.  I love how he just thinks the world of her.  I think he sees her as the one person that really understands him.  I thank God for that.  
  Last night I got a glimpse of the muscle weaknesses Kate was mentioning. Our neighbor went to push Nathan down the slide, and since his upper body is much weaker than normal, Nathan just folded in half and tumbled down the slide, scraping up his side, smashing his glasses into his face, and hurting his tummy.  A kid with more steady upper body strength probably would have just gone down the slide, but Nathan, not so much.  It didn't help that the boy pushing him was a lot older and stronger, and it didn't help that it caught Nathan off guard either.  But he just flopped like a rag doll!  The Mama bear in me broke out and I snapped at poor Allen.  I felt bad for Allen, but I felt even more badly for Nathan.  His body is still sore today to the point that he cried after getting dressed because his underwear scraped his raw skin when he put them on.   
  Ugh, I'm just getting to the point where I want to scream at the people who call him naughty, or yell at him for not listening to them.  I just want to scream into my pillow sometimes.  Ask God why my little boys heart has to hurt so much?  Why do the schools not find this disorder serious enough to want to help these kids more?  I want a voice, I want to inform people that this is serious, and it needs to be looked into more.  Know your kids!  Know their actions and behaviors, and if something feels a bit off and your gut is telling you something about it, listen to it!  Help your children!  Because if you don't, no one will!  Set your kids up for success, not failure.  Don't let fear of how a diagnosis may reflect on you as a parent.  It's not about you, it's about your kids.  1 in 20 kids have sensory issues.. Some pretty serious, some not as serious.. But they all need to be acknowledged.  They all need some sort of help.  Read about it, be informed and do not fear a possible diagnosis.  There is help out there and there is hope!  Nathan's future will be a lot better now because he's receiving the help that he needs.  And now, I can say I understand him so much more.   There were so many signs that he displayed since he was an infant.. I probably would have recognized the signs long ago, like around 2 years of age had I known them. 
  I'm hoping to convert a part of our basement into an integration therapy area.  If anyone has any old bean bag chairs that they want to get rid of, I'd love to take them off of your hands!  As long as there are no holes.  (If they're patched that's fine)  Thank you all for your support, your kind words, and prayers!  I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate them.  And I know Nathan will someday too. I will not give into guilt from actions of the past, but I will hang onto Jesus and the hope that he provides.  Nathan has the help he needs now.  Nathan has a chance at a better future, and a chance to be understood.