Patience, patience, patience.... With a side of grace.

   Over the past couple of nights, our little Annabelle hasn't been sleeping so well.  She has developed another chest cold, and for some reason she has been waking up between 2:45 and 3AM talking for about an hour or more straight!  I admit, hearing her say "a-da-da-da"  is incredibly cute, however, hearing it over and over and over again in the very wee hours of the morning, kind of takes away the cuteness.  As I lay awake feeling frustrated that another nights sleep has been sabotaged, I hear all the little voices in my head that remind me of my never-ending 'to do' list and various responsibilities and needs that need to be taken care of that day.  And all I can feel is defeat.  How am I supposed to keep up with these things when I don't get the luxury of sleeping for more than a couple of hours straight in one night?  But most importantly, how am I going to have the patience and grace for my 3 kids if I am exhausted, and cranky?

  What weighs the heaviest on me during my hours awake with Annabelle, is Nathan's schooling and my relationship with him.  Nathan has severe attention deficit issues, along with sensory and auditory/vestibular complications.  So, what does that mean?  I NEED patience!  Patience, patience, patience, patience, a little bit of caffeine, some grace, and some more patience.  Is it just me, or is patience incredibly hard to come by when you're incredibly sleep deprived and jacked up on caffeine?  Sadly, I cannot just order a monthly supply of patience from the Internet.  Nor can I just put on my 'big girl patience panties' and go along with my day. I wish it were that easy sometimes! 

  Sadly, patience and grace is an area I fail miserably in when I am overly tired.  When exhausted, I become more selfish. I just want things to go my way so I won't have to work too hard at remaining calm while I am utterly exhausted and overwhelmed.  However, getting my way is not going to happen!  My daughters are not going to nap at the same time, and my son is not going to sit still with his hands folded nicely in his lap while I teach him spelling concepts. My kids are not going to clean up after themselves without a billion reminders, nor is my husband going to put away that basket full of folded laundry that has been sitting there for a week. (He will if I ask, but I struggle with "I shouldn't have to ask" syndrome at times)

 Luckily, there's hope!  I do not need to conjure up my own patience and grace for Nathan, or for my overly dramatic 2 1/2-year-old daughter.  Patience and grace, and love for my children and husband can be, and will be freely given to me as long as I ask my Papa in Heaven for it.  God has been so faithful in this area for me.  I do need to ask more often I'll admit, however when I do remember to ask, he always delivers!  No matter how exhausted I am, he truly does have my back.  I do not need to start my day of defeated no matter what cards are stacked up against me.  I can start my day off with the expectation that God is going to meet me where I am at, as long as I allow him to, and he will give me my every need. 

Let's quit our complaining.

   Complaining.  I'm guilty of doing this at least once a day... or every couple of hours.  My bed isn't big enough, or it's too uncomfortable.  My house is too small.  I have too much laundry to do.  I need more sleep.. and the list goes on and on!  However, after all the coverage on Syria my whole prosepective has changed.
   I live in a country where my government helps those who reside here.  I live in a country where we can go to sleep at night and not fear for our safety.  My family never goes hungry, we have clean water that runs directly to our house, and fills my cup at my command.  I can also get hot showers and baths, whenver my children allow me to. We have healthcare, warm beds, and a roof over our heads.  My beautiful children are healthy, and I am blessed to kiss them goodnight tonight.  I don't care if my house is too small and never looks as clean as I'd like it to be!  It's filled with love, and laughter, hugs, and kisses. I may always dislike laundry, but I'd rather be washing my loved ones dirty clothes rather than not having them here anymore.
   As Americans, we have so much at our disposal.  We so easily lose sight of what we have.. What really matters.  We demand more and more and more every day.  And we are incredibly ungrateful!  People need to seriously open their eyes and take a look at what's going on in third world countries, and in countries where the governement doesn't give a damn about you or your family.
   The images from the horrible gassing in Syria have been burned in my brain.  I have to turn away every time it's shown on TV because my heart just can't take it anymore.  I cry for all of those who have suffered, and are still suffering.  I find myself pleading to God to please end this horrible war.  To provide homes for the refugees, to bring peace and protection to those innocent people caught in the middle of this battlle, and for all of the families that have lost their loved ones.
  Please, be intentional about counting your blessings.  You probably have so much more than you thought you did.  And you'll probably find yourself complaining a lot less.
 

When the day came...

March 13, 2013 

 
  March 12th started off like any normal day.  I got Nathan off to school, played with Jovie, and set up a play date with our friends Patsy and Libby.  The only thing that seemed "different" was the fact that I had this internal feeling that I wanted to spend as much time with Jovie that day as I possibly could.  I couldn't explain it, it was just a feeling I had.
  After I dropped Jovie off at Auntie Patsy's, I headed to my 11:00 OB appointment with the intention of hanging out with them after my appointment.  My Dr. told me I was dilated to a 4 and effaced 75%, and he said he was going to "help me along" so to speak, by doing some stretching of my cervix...  Well, sure enough before I could even leave the OB department at Essentia, the contractions started kicking in.  I ignored them, thinking that it was just irritable from the exam.  But I soon began to realize that these contractions were just more than Braxton hicks..  I had to stop at least 3 times before I could get to my van to breath through the contractions.  I got to Patsy's house, and she had to drive Jovie and myself home as the contractions were really painful and disrupting to my driving.
  Dan and I dropped Jovie off with the Stromgrens, set up for my parents to take Nate after school, and off we went to the birthplace.  However, as soon as I got hooked up to those darn monitors, the contractions stopped!!  2 hours of painful contractions, and they just STOP!?  At this point I was pretty frustrated because of all the start/stop labor I dealt with with this pregnancy.  Dan and I walked the floor in hopes that the contractions would kick back in... But they only did while I was walking.  As soon as I stopped, so did the contractions.  My friend Holly came to the hospital and took over for Dan.  We walked the floor, then snuck off to climb the stairs. (I think my nurse got upset with me)  We climbed a lot of stairs considering I was 38 weeks pregnant!  But, the contractions decided to fizzle out.  I only dilated .5 cm so I was only at a 4.5 and I needed to get to a 5 for them to break my water.  Well, it didn't happen.  I literally sobbed out of frustration.  I began to wonder if I knew anything at all about my body anymore.  Were these "contractions" all in my head?  And of course, as soon as I was discharged, the contractions started up all over again.  This time, I ignored them to the best of my ability.  Dan and I went to Burrito Union, where I wolfed down a two fisted chicken burrito (I was so hungry!)  and we picked up Jovie.  Although I was still having the contractions, I just didn't believe that I could possibly be in labor.
  I went to bed around 11pm still feeling the contractions, but since they were only lasting 45 seconds, I didn't think they were "real."  By 2:30 AM I decided I needed to actually start tracking my contractions as they were waking me up and pretty painful.  Did I wake up Dan to tell him to call into work?  Nope! Because I still didn't believe that I was in labor!  By the time he woke up for work it was 4 am and my contractions were every 9 minutes.  Since the paper from the hospital said to wait until they're every 5 minutes for an hour before coming in, and I didn't want any more false alarms, I told Dan just to stay by his phone and sent him off to work.  45 minutes later, I sent him a text to come home because I didn't want to be alone anymore.  The contractions were really getting painful and it was just me and Jovie at home. (Nathan stayed with Grandma and Papa)  20 minutes later, they were every 2 1/2 minutes apart.  I couldn't help but cry through them.  I called Dan again, thinking he'd be home by now.. When he didn't get home at 5:30 I could barely move through my contractions.  Luckily, Jovie woke up happy and I was able to get her and myself ready.  We rushed out the door and decided that it would be best to skip dropping Jovie off and to go straight to the hospital.
  I walked (barely) into the ER at 5:45 AM.. They immediately put me in a wheel chair and brought me upstairs... The Dr. was waiting at the elevator for me (I called ahead) and the nurse and resident were waiting outside the room they had ready for me.  Apparently they knew I was going to go fast.. Which at this point, I was still hoping for the epidural!  They checked me before putting any monitors on me and I was at a 6 and almost fully effaced. I thought to myself,  A SIX!?  That's it!!??  All of those contractions only dilated me 1.5 cm?! What the heck!? So I thought for sure I'd get my lovely epidural.  Yay!! WRONG!!  My contractions were right on top of one another... The nurse knew right away that there was no way that was going to happen.
  Dan came up to the room with Jovie and announced "look who I found!"  And in walked Dr. Pete Olsen.  I was relieved to have someone there who I somewhat knew, and who I knew I could trust.  He was there when Jovie was born and we planned to have him deliver her... But she came out way too fast.  At least he did get to witness her birth and be there for support afterwards. I was happy that he would be able to deliver Annabelle. (It was actually an answer to prayer)

She found her thumb right away!

Anyway, Pete and the OB talked and they said to me, Jen, if we break your water, this will be over a lot sooner.  You're probably not going to have time for the epidural.. I knew they were right, but I was scared to death.  I looked Pete right in the face and said, Pete, I'm scared.  And boy, was I scared!  I knew as soon as that water broke, my pain would sky rocket.  I didn't think I could handle it.  Pete told me, he knew I could do it.... I again mentioned how scared I was.  But agreed that it was the best rout to take.  Pete and Dan both prayed for me before another contraction could hit..  And boy did it HIT me!  Felt like my back was going to snap in half.. literally!  I screamed bloody murder!! Then I apologized for screaming.. Again, thinking I was weak and couldn't handle the pain.. Dan grabbed Jovie and went to the family area, and Pete flew back into the room.. They checked and sure enough I dilated 2 cm's from that 1 contraction.  Before I could even shake that one off, the next hit, then the next.. As soon as I felt that I could push, I started pushing.  I didn't even wait for a command other than when they told me they needed me to stop for a second..  I gave 1 big push when I felt her crowning, and out she came!  9 minutes after they broke my water, Annabelle was in my arms. She was born at 6:28 AM.. My body was shaking from the shock.  I couldn't even give her my full attention because there was so much going on.  Here I wanted to look at this baby and love on her, but all I could do was catch my breath and reconnect myself to reality.  It wasn't like my other births where I could mostly focus afterwards.  My head was spinning and my body was trembling.  I was in so much pain and there was so much talking going on that I just couldn't focus.  It made connecting with her difficult at first.  It wasn't until I had some alone time with her that afternoon that I could really connect with her.  For the first 30 minutes after her birth I couldn't move from the position I was in when I birthed her, I was so sore.  It wasn't until the meds kicked in that I was able to finally get in a comfortable position.  But even after that, I was still so uncomfortable..  (see photo below.. My face says it all!)  Jovie was adorable with her bed head and happy smile!

Don't mind the nursing!  

Through this amazing, yet terrifying experience, God transformed so much in me.  I can't believe how much healing I received during this pregnancy and delivery.  From the very beginning, God provided... He answered prayers, and he changed how I view myself as a person..  I promise to blog about that tomorrow.  But for now, it's off to bed!  Goodnight!

Big brother Nate!

Jovie is a big sister!

   

My decision to homeschool.

   After a lot of thoughtful prayer, research, talking with Nathan's teacher and some other parents and teachers, I have decided that I will homeschool Nathan next year.  His sensory needs are high in the classroom, and without a Para, or a teachers helper, it's hard to get a normal, structured sensory diet in his day.  Without the sensory diet, Nathan struggles to maintain control of his body, his concentration, and his actions.  He's getting overwhelmed at lunch time and recess, and is having a hard time staying focused on eating, and controlling his fight or flight response on the playground.  He's also not testing well on things the teacher knows he knows.  He loses focus easily, and rushes through tasks.  He's incredibly smart, but he struggles with things beyond his control in the classroom.  So, for the next couple of years, he'll be taught here at home.  We cannot afford to send him to a smaller school, and even if we could, he doesn't qualify for help, so it feels like an uphill battle regardless.  I am actually feeling very excited about homeschooling him, even though I feel incredibly sad about him not returning to Raleigh Edison next year.  I sincerely LOVE that school and the staff there!  God really had to soften my heart to the idea of homeschooling.  I felt like it has been on my mind since last spring, but at that time I wasn't even willing to think about it because there was no way I would want to do that.  It took some changing of my perspective to warm me up to it.  I had to stop thinking about what was best for me, and start thinking about what is best for Nathan.  Once I put it into that perspective, my decision was pretty much made.  However I still gnawed on it for a month or so before I really finalized it.  Although I want to do what is best for him, I don't want to pull him out of every struggle he has either.  Since schooling is so important, and once you're behind, it's nearly impossible to catch up, I decided that this wasn't an act to pull him out of a tough situation, this was truly doing what is best in our situation.  I researched online about what the best schooling situation is for children with Nathan's type of SID, and what the majority of the forums, blogs, research papers, and parents said that homeschooling was.  At least until they get over the hump of not being able to control it themselves.  The next in line was a small classroom setting such as private school.  At one point I just had to set aside all opinions and research, and just trust in myself that I know my child. Regardless of what everyone else said, I had to trust my heart.  So I am. 
   There are people wondering what about his social activity and developement? Well, not that I have to answer this for those wondering, but I will.  Nathan went to daycare for the first 2 1/2 year of his life, he started preschool at 3 and is now in first grade, we go to a large church every weekend as well, and have many friends who have kids his age.  Socially, Nathan will be just fine.  He already has a good foundation, and I am aware of the fact that he's an extrovert, so we will get out and meet up with other children on a regular basis.  I won't be keeping him locked in the house all day, schooling is only 1-2 hours, so we'll have plenty of time for play and interaction with others.  We are a social bunch here at the Bergh residence, so I really don't see Nathan developing any other social issues.  I have answered this question because it's the one that constantly comes up, and quite honestly, I'm tired of hearing it.  No offense to those who have asked.... One person can only answer the same question so many times before getting fed up with it. :)
  Well, that's my story for the morning.  I'm hoping to get back into blogging on a regular basis, but that requires me to do it in the early morning.. and a lot of the time, I'm just too tired and lazy in the to think AND type.  
  Good day!