Nathan came down into our room this morning, and like every morning for the past week he asked if he could stay home from school. I responded, by reminding him that he was going to a fun play today.. Then that's when the fear came in. He starting crying, telling me he was scared because the last play was too loud and he had a hard time sitting still. He was afraid that he was going to get in trouble for not being able to sit still. Fear of getting in trouble seems to be an issue that Nathan recently started having. He's pretty sensitive, and can sometimes take it really hard if he's firmly talked to. My heart sank a little for him. As I fought through my grogginess, I started to think rationally. I usually don't pull Nathan from situations, I usually want him to try to figure out how to cope and deal with things. But in actuality, we do not have any sensory equipment yet. He does not have a straight diagnosis yet. Chances are the play would be too much for him. Chances are he wouldn't be able to sit still. Chances are he would be disruptive to the other students. And chances are he would get in trouble. I decided to let him stay home. Usually, I would make him go. But today, I felt my better judgement would be to let him stay home. Until we have a weighted vest or other sensory tools, I don't think Nathan would be able to handle that type of setting all to well. And in all honesty it's probably a help for the teacher and chaperons to not have him go. Even after I told him he could stay home, he kept going on about how he doesn't like how plays are too loud. I just snuggled with him and told him it's ok, because he's not going. It took him a good 15 minutes to relax. I've never seen that in him before. That worry, that anxiety. It broke my heart.
The other night before bed, his prayer request was that he'll sleep well, have good dreams, have a fun day at school, and that he wouldn't be one of the "naughty kids" anymore. He said, "I don't like being naughty mom. I try to be good." I know him, and I know he's trying.. He's trying so hard and he keeps failing. That's how he sees it. He hates failure just like the rest of us. I try to explain that we're getting him some help so his brain will listen to him, it seems to give him some relief when I bring it up. That's how he described it. he tries to tell his brain what to do, but it doesn't listen to him. I used to think it was a cute excuse, but now I think he's telling the truth. Now I'm starting to see him struggle emotionally, and it's painful to watch. I'm trying to stay strong for him. Hide my tears, tell him he's getting help, that he's a wonderful boy with a big, big heart. That he's not naughty, and that I know he's trying. Give him hugs and kisses, and more hugs, and more hugs. And of course, lots of snuggles. One of his love languages is affectionate touch, so it's a blessing that his therapy will require a lot of that. Last night I gave him a big hug before I left and he said "awww Mom, thank you for the hug." He LOVES hugs. I love that he loves hugs, because I love hugging him. He's always been my little cuddle bug. He broke down a little after his hug, so I asked what was wrong. He said that he was talked to firmly a few times today at school and that it's really hard for him to be talked to that way. I gave him another big hug and said a prayer out loud for him. When I was done, he said he felt a lot better. I wish I could take his pain away. I wish I could make this easier for him RIGHT NOW. The school can do nothing for him until he's officially diagnosed. Do I go to his school a couple times a day for hugs, massages, and back scratches until we get a weighted vest or something? I just don't know what I can do to help him when he's at school.
Please be praying that Jesus will protect Nathan's heart and mind. That Nathan won't fear failure, and that lies that he's a "naughty boy" will not stick to him. Please pray against anxiety and worry as well. And that God will give me wisdom as to how I can help Nathan when he's hurting.
Thank you all so much!
Jen
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
I always wondered.....
Yesterday was a rough day at school for Nathan. Once he was home he was ok though. Dan played Nerf guns with him, he watched some PBS and ate dinner. During his reading time last night he started to move a lot. Instead of my usual "Nathan please! Can you just sit still?" I just naturally started scratching his back. It was amazing! He immediately stopped wiggling around and rocking, and he sat still for the entire 15 minutes while I read to him. When we were done, he asked me to continue scratching his back. I was a little surprised because I had already been doing it so long and thought that it would have driven him crazy by then. But I guess not.
As I scratched his back, arms, and head I remembered how I could run my fingers on his back for 30 minutes and he wouldn't be bothered at all by it. I love getting my back rubbed like that too, but after a couple minutes of it, the persons fingers start to feel like nails and I can't stand it. But Nathan on the other hand, never seems to tire from it. I've always wondered why, but now it all makes sense. It makes sense that he always wants his back rubbed at night, and before naps, and even just as we're snuggling on the couch. It makes sense to me that the only time he seems to have 100% control of his body is when he's visually stimulated (watching TV). It all makes sense now. What a relief!
Now I just wait, we wait for the supplies we need for him to bring to school to help him along. We wait for the diagnosis, so he can get the help he needs. I wish we didn't have to wait. But in the mean time I'll continue to do what I can to help him along. Last night I did back scratches and rubs for 15 minutes before he went to sleep. However, he woke up an hour later bawling. When I asked what was wrong, he said "I'm worried because I'm not doing well in school." My heart broke. He's doing amazing academically, but has a hard time sitting still and listening. I told him we're getting help with that and he seemed almost relieved. Just laying next to him, having that extra touch along with the blankets seemed to calm him down. He asked for more back scratches, and he feel asleep peacefully. This morning I did some more back and arm scratches, and rubs and squeezes along his arms and shoulders. I'm hoping it will help with his morning at school. Since the teachers are not allowed to touch the students, especially without the diagnosis, I thought about visiting once Dan got home and doing some more sensory stuff with him to see if it will help with his afternoon.
God has been so faithful through all of this! I felt so loved, encouraged, and affirmed by him yesterday. While I was praying yesterday about what to do with all the thoughts on my heart and mind, I felt like he was telling me to blog about it. Once I did it was instant therapy. Just to get everything off my chest felt so good. Then there was just an wonderful outpouring of love and support and prayer for us. I felt like it was Gods way of letting me know that I'm not alone. (well besides Dan of course!) That there's a community of people out there that understand what I am going through, and they are more than happy to help out. So thank you all for reaching out, sending your thoughts, love, and prayers. Giving wonderful insight and wisdom. I really appreciate it!
So, we'll see what today brings with Nathan. I'm praying that the sensory therapy this morning helped.
God bless.
As I scratched his back, arms, and head I remembered how I could run my fingers on his back for 30 minutes and he wouldn't be bothered at all by it. I love getting my back rubbed like that too, but after a couple minutes of it, the persons fingers start to feel like nails and I can't stand it. But Nathan on the other hand, never seems to tire from it. I've always wondered why, but now it all makes sense. It makes sense that he always wants his back rubbed at night, and before naps, and even just as we're snuggling on the couch. It makes sense to me that the only time he seems to have 100% control of his body is when he's visually stimulated (watching TV). It all makes sense now. What a relief!
Now I just wait, we wait for the supplies we need for him to bring to school to help him along. We wait for the diagnosis, so he can get the help he needs. I wish we didn't have to wait. But in the mean time I'll continue to do what I can to help him along. Last night I did back scratches and rubs for 15 minutes before he went to sleep. However, he woke up an hour later bawling. When I asked what was wrong, he said "I'm worried because I'm not doing well in school." My heart broke. He's doing amazing academically, but has a hard time sitting still and listening. I told him we're getting help with that and he seemed almost relieved. Just laying next to him, having that extra touch along with the blankets seemed to calm him down. He asked for more back scratches, and he feel asleep peacefully. This morning I did some more back and arm scratches, and rubs and squeezes along his arms and shoulders. I'm hoping it will help with his morning at school. Since the teachers are not allowed to touch the students, especially without the diagnosis, I thought about visiting once Dan got home and doing some more sensory stuff with him to see if it will help with his afternoon.
God has been so faithful through all of this! I felt so loved, encouraged, and affirmed by him yesterday. While I was praying yesterday about what to do with all the thoughts on my heart and mind, I felt like he was telling me to blog about it. Once I did it was instant therapy. Just to get everything off my chest felt so good. Then there was just an wonderful outpouring of love and support and prayer for us. I felt like it was Gods way of letting me know that I'm not alone. (well besides Dan of course!) That there's a community of people out there that understand what I am going through, and they are more than happy to help out. So thank you all for reaching out, sending your thoughts, love, and prayers. Giving wonderful insight and wisdom. I really appreciate it!
So, we'll see what today brings with Nathan. I'm praying that the sensory therapy this morning helped.
God bless.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
An update on life.
The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. At Nathan's last conferences his teacher and I talked about what we have been noticing in Nathan. The final thought from his teacher is that she's convinced he has a sensory disorder. God must have been with me at the time she mentioned it because I was able to accept it and test it out. Whereas last time she mentioned it I was too scared to find a diagnosis.
After doing some research, I came to the conclusion that we had to get him referred to a occupational therapist. Nathan is a text book example of a child with SPD. The type that he may have is very similar to ADHD, however his teacher, the Dr who referred him to the OT, and myself don't think he has ADHD. Nathan has a strong ability to be able to focus for extended periods of time in school and at home. He also doesn't display displaced anger and frustration like many kids with ADHD, and he has no problem learning new things. In fact, he's incredibly smart. Nathan appears to have a sensory seeking issue. Children with this tend to have difficulty listening, following directions, knowing where there body is in space, and they seek out high intensity activities, or increased durations of sensory stimulation. They tend to get into people's space because they crave touch so much due to needing stimulation. They will intentionally bump or crash into things, and they car stare at optical things, such as televisions, and other visual stimulants for hours. The children under this category don't often throw temper tantrums, they just seem to be over active and have a hard time transitioning from play time to quiet time. They are not intentionally not following directions from teachers, obviously, but it often appears that they are.
I have wondered for a long time if there was something going on with Nathan other than "high energy." He had a difficult time sleeping as an infant, and when he became a toddler, he always desired to be snuggled, have his backed rubbed, or just need to be sleeping next to me in order to sleep. He still needs his back rubbed every night before bed. And he still tries to sleep with me at night. Not to mention that he's very energetic, sensitive to sound, sometimes light, he tries really hard to focus in large groups but finds that it's next to impossible. He explains it by saying, "I try to make my body sit still, but my brain won't let it. My brain feels dizzy and I don't like it."
As a mother it's incredibly hard. My heart breaks for Nathan. Yet, I am so relieved to know there's help for Nathan. I feel so many emotions with this. Sadness, relief, fear, relief, anger, relief. It's hard when I hear people label him and say he "misbehaves." When I know now that he can't control it. It's wonderful that now we can help him process this, and that we can set him up to succeed rather than fail. That we can know what expectations to have of him, and that we'll have an OT helping us along the way. I also found a wonderful website that has been so incredibly helpful and a few great friends that have prayed for me along this new journey that God has placed us in. Support is so important during this time and I don't know what I'd do without it. I love my little boy so much. He has an amazing, loving heart. He wants nothing but to do good things, yet he gets labeled a "bad boy." For that my heart breaks. He has such a hard time when he fails. He may not show it to teachers, but I see it in him when we pray together at night. I am grateful for Mrs. Talrico, Nathan's teacher. Her encouragement to have me look into this has been so helpful. And it has given me hope. She sees his good heart, and his good nature through the difficulties he has, and that is so incredibly helpful.
Now I just wait until we get the diagnosis. His appointment is May 3rd. After all the talks I've had with his preschool teacher, and his current teachers, and my own speculations, I feel that the OT will be telling me information that I already know. But now, there's help.
After doing some research, I came to the conclusion that we had to get him referred to a occupational therapist. Nathan is a text book example of a child with SPD. The type that he may have is very similar to ADHD, however his teacher, the Dr who referred him to the OT, and myself don't think he has ADHD. Nathan has a strong ability to be able to focus for extended periods of time in school and at home. He also doesn't display displaced anger and frustration like many kids with ADHD, and he has no problem learning new things. In fact, he's incredibly smart. Nathan appears to have a sensory seeking issue. Children with this tend to have difficulty listening, following directions, knowing where there body is in space, and they seek out high intensity activities, or increased durations of sensory stimulation. They tend to get into people's space because they crave touch so much due to needing stimulation. They will intentionally bump or crash into things, and they car stare at optical things, such as televisions, and other visual stimulants for hours. The children under this category don't often throw temper tantrums, they just seem to be over active and have a hard time transitioning from play time to quiet time. They are not intentionally not following directions from teachers, obviously, but it often appears that they are.
I have wondered for a long time if there was something going on with Nathan other than "high energy." He had a difficult time sleeping as an infant, and when he became a toddler, he always desired to be snuggled, have his backed rubbed, or just need to be sleeping next to me in order to sleep. He still needs his back rubbed every night before bed. And he still tries to sleep with me at night. Not to mention that he's very energetic, sensitive to sound, sometimes light, he tries really hard to focus in large groups but finds that it's next to impossible. He explains it by saying, "I try to make my body sit still, but my brain won't let it. My brain feels dizzy and I don't like it."
As a mother it's incredibly hard. My heart breaks for Nathan. Yet, I am so relieved to know there's help for Nathan. I feel so many emotions with this. Sadness, relief, fear, relief, anger, relief. It's hard when I hear people label him and say he "misbehaves." When I know now that he can't control it. It's wonderful that now we can help him process this, and that we can set him up to succeed rather than fail. That we can know what expectations to have of him, and that we'll have an OT helping us along the way. I also found a wonderful website that has been so incredibly helpful and a few great friends that have prayed for me along this new journey that God has placed us in. Support is so important during this time and I don't know what I'd do without it. I love my little boy so much. He has an amazing, loving heart. He wants nothing but to do good things, yet he gets labeled a "bad boy." For that my heart breaks. He has such a hard time when he fails. He may not show it to teachers, but I see it in him when we pray together at night. I am grateful for Mrs. Talrico, Nathan's teacher. Her encouragement to have me look into this has been so helpful. And it has given me hope. She sees his good heart, and his good nature through the difficulties he has, and that is so incredibly helpful.
Now I just wait until we get the diagnosis. His appointment is May 3rd. After all the talks I've had with his preschool teacher, and his current teachers, and my own speculations, I feel that the OT will be telling me information that I already know. But now, there's help.
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