A change of heart.

 So, God has been changing a lot in my life over the past couple of months.  A lot of really awesome stuff has been happening and it really has been a huge breakthrough in my life!  I'd have to say this is the most healing I've received since the time I came to know Christ.  Has it been easy?  No.  Has it been sad at times? Yes.  Has it been worth it? Oh, most definitely!
  The part I seem to be focusing on is the sad today.  Mainly because God has shown me my heart and why I'm sad about a specific healing I've had recently.  This may sound crazy to some, but trust me, I'll make sense of it for you. :)  You see, I have this empty well during the Holidays.. it's decorating, it's Christmas music, it's the whole "warm and fuzzy's" of the Holidays that is a huge empty well for me. Why is it an empty well and not just getting into the spirit?  Because, God has shown me that I connect all these things by feeling loved.  By feeling safe.  It's like the time of the year there's a sense of relief so to speak.  Crazy? Let me explain...
  I didn't have the most difficult childhood, however I didn't have the most lovely either.  My parents did the best they could but obviously at times everyones best just isn't always good enough.  I love them for all their sacrifices they made for us kids, and for doing their best.  However, I was raised in an authoritative household.  "Spankings" were common, yelling felt constant, security in feeling loved just wasn't there. We were disciplined rather than taught when we did something wrong, and often times treated as if we were inconveniences or in the way a lot.  Quite honestly, the only time of the year I really felt loved was Christmas time.  Not because of the gifts, more so because my dad would decorate the house, and dance around with me while singing Christmas songs.  My parents would have Bing Crosby playing in the background and every once in awhile my dad would pick me up and start dancing me around the living room.  Times felt happy then, and other than our trip to Disney World, I can honestly say that most of my good memories and happy memories with my parents stem from Christmas time.  My dad would go through great lengths on Christmas morning, hanging up blankets in our arch way so we couldn't even see the presents under the tree until after we ate breakfast.  Ever once in awhile he'd peak through the blanket and say "I see what Santa brought ______ (he'd name one of us kids).  I think they're going to like it!"  We would squirm in our chairs with anticipation and excitement!  I loved it.  I felt loved.  I felt valued.  I was given attention rather than told to go somewhere else and play.  I've connected Christmas with the one time of year where everything felt ok.
  Since Jesus has brought this to my attention it all became so clear.  The sad part is, I honestly feel like something has been taken away from me though.  I no longer associate the decorations with all of those feelings.  And quite honestly, I don't even care if they're up.  I haven't listened to Christmas music in awhile, and I even contemplated not even getting a tree this year because it just felt like a waste of money.  My heart has been changed and that's a good thing.  However, I miss liking these things.  I honestly miss this empty well.  This has been my favorite time of  year since I can remember and now I just feel blah about it.  It's a transition that I know God is working on in me that is good.  Christmas isn't about lights, trees, presents, and music.  It's about Jesus.  I love that my heart has been changed, how God has made me feel so loved that I don't need the decorations and music.  However  I do miss my holiday spirit.  I never understood why people would miss their empty wells because I always felt so free after I abandoned them, however, now I really understand why people do.  This was a huge way for me to feel "connected" to my dad.  We shared a love for this stuff.. I guess I feel like I'm losing one of the few connections I have with him.  However I'm gaining a huge connection with my heavenly Father.  
  It will take some time for me to get over this.  After all, it's been 30 years.  In the end it will all be worth it.  Until then, I'll continue to press into Jesus every step of the way, being completely honest with Him about how I feel, and letting him draw near to the places that hurt.